Quit when you're ahead

I've never been a gambler. I did very briefly play the Lottery when I turned 16, but soon gave up. They say gambling is a game of chance, but not the way some people do it. I was reading that one guy spent nearly half a BILLION pounds in a casino spree.

Now there is someone who needs to work on delayed gratification.

And the dumbest commercial of all time is...

Just see the following link. Its bad

If you go down in the woods today...

There are some things your parents teach you as a kid. Don't talk to strangers. Don't step into traffic. Don't climb into the bear pen at the zoo. You know, normal, everyday life lessons. Apart from the last one. Apparently, at least one person wasn't given the all important "Don't antagonise grizzly bears" talk as a child, and thought he should climb into the pen. The results were, shall we say, predictable.

Man shows up alive at his own funeral

Funerals are never much fun. I suppose it is even less fun when you show up to the funeral and find out it is your own.

The Telegraph reports that a Brazilian man recently showed up to a funeral, to find out it was his funeral. I am not quite sure what is Portuguese for "Twighlight Zone", but he must have thought he was in it. One quote that stands out for me is

"Before long, the walking dead appeared at the funeral. It was a relief."

Now seeing a member of the living dead has words to describe it, but "relief" generally wouldn't be top of my list. More like "completely freaked out".

Giant Seagulls

When I first saw the headline "Giant seagull invades live TV news report", I initially thought this was some kind of GM story gone wrong. Like a seagull had potentially eaten some nuclear waste, and morphed into a giant.

The explanation proved to be a little more mundane.

Loch Ness Monster has a Cumbrian Cousin

I am half Cumbrian, and there are some amongst my relatives those who would argue it is my best half. Having a Cumbrian mother means you tend to have lots of Cumbrian relatives, and it would appear at least in that department, I may have something in common with the Loch Ness Monster.

Sky news is reporting that a camera has spotted strange ripples on Lake Windermere. It is consistent with locals' accounts of a monster that apparently lives in the Lake near the town of Bowness. Apparently, he/she is nicknamed "Bownessie".

Never thought I'd see the day the Loch Ness monster and I would have something in common.

Woman strips to avoid arrest

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths some criminal scum will stoop to in order to avoid arrest. Some are dangerous, such as zooming over the speed limit in pedestrian streets. Others, are, a little more provocative. Apparently, a woman was arrested in Wisconsin, and then stripped naked in the understanding nude people are exempt from arrest by some by by-law.

She told officers: 'You can't arrest me as I am going to be naked now.'

Much to her dismay, it turns out that you can indeed arrest the naked. Not to be deterred, she kicked one policeman in the groin, spat at another then rounded it all off by mooning out of the window of the police car as she was being driven away.

Clearly not a finalist in "America's Classiest Female Criminal" competition.

Reminds me a bit of a guy who was arrested in St Annes Square in Manchester a few years ago when he was promoting the "Campaign for Non-Sexual Public Nudity". After being arrested for, wait for it, indecent exposure, he appeared in court. Not being too sharp, he showed up naked to court, which isn't always the smartest thing to when defending yourself from a charge of indecent exposure.

What is French for "You can't make this stuff up"

Things I hate

I found a funny website today. Do feel free to check it out

http://www.hatepost.com

Tesco discriminate : against the Jedi?

The British people like to show contempt for the authorities. In the last census, so many people listed "Jedi" as their religion, that it is now an official religion in the UK. Probably one of those chain e-mail pranks that got out of hand. However, some people view it all very seriously. I was reading today that a man from Wales is a fully fledged Jedi, and has claimed Tesco are religiously discriminating against him.

Needless to say Tesco have denied it, and you have to love the standard "denial of un-PC behaviour" statement:

A Tesco spokesman said: "Jedi are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods.

However, the Jedi was not convinced and said:

"I'll advise worshippers to boycott Tesco if it happens again. They will feel the Force."

Yes. Quite. Something tells me this isn't going to affect Tesco's share price.

Lost in translation

When you consider there are dozens of languages spoken in Europe, it probably isn't too surprising when there is the odd error. Sometimes this is pretty minor. At Brussels airport, a big screen tells you "Welcome in Brussels". Further afield, you can get even better mistranslations. Hotel rooms in the old USSR used to say "If this is your first visit to the Soviet Union, you are welcome to it", and a laundry place in Singapore allegedly tells us that "This is the best place in town to drop your pants". Indeed.

Well, there was panic on an Aer Lingus flight the other day. Apparently, the announcement in English said "There will be some turbulence", whilst the French translation was "You're all going to die, make you peace with God". Some slight difference there. Apparently it was all due to a pre-recorded message for emergency landings being played by accident.

An airline spokesman said: "There was a malfunction of the public address system and we apologise to our passengers. This sort of thing happens very rarely."

What's French for "Someone might lose their job over this"?

New Japanese Prime Minister a space alien?

Japan's recent general election results were ground breaking, as the LDP lost 55 years of domination of Japanese politics. And you thought 12 years of Labour was a burden. The result was out of this world according to some, in fact, some took it a bit literally.

According to some, new Japanese prime minister Yukio Hatayama is a space alien. Apparently his strange mannerisms have earned him the nickname "Alien". I wonder if he bursts out of people's chests, or has a finger tip that glows whenever he wants to go home.

I suppose the expression "Take me to your leader" wouldn't work for a guy who actually IS the leader.

Charges against a rape VICTIM?!

Most people know that European governments don't care about victims' rights. But I saw a story today that took the biscuit, even by those standards. In Sweden, a rapist is pressing charges against his victim for not telling him she had HIV.

I think the phrase "you couldn't make it up" comes to mind.

Pornographic sweet wrappers?

I don't doubt that modern Britain has a fair bit of sexual imagery in the media. Of course, they are strictly small time compared to Belgium. Some of the stuff at news kiosks here would make a pimp blush. But apparently, its not adult magazines which are the subject of wrath in the British press. Apparently its sweet wrappers, featuring cartoon lemons, which are highly suggestive. In fact, one parent has complained:

Mr Simpkins, of Pontefract, West Yorkshire, said: 'The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. The lime, whom I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face.

This is one of those stories you read, and keep waiting for the punch line. But it never came. This guy was actually serious.

Buses on Bastille Day

I got the bus to work the other day in Strasbourg. I sat at the bus stop and noticed something - despite being a weekday, there was virtually no traffic on the roads, and the buses, usually there every 10 minutes, were nowhere to be seen. After 45 minutes, I began to wonder if the population of Strasbourg had been taken out by some viral weapon that only people from England with names beginning with M have immunity to.

Then, it occurred to me - it was Bastille Day, the day the French overthrew their corrupt political class, and stormed the Bastille prison. May interest you to learn that the site of the Bastille was where the victorious French "Non" campaigners against the EU Constitution gathered to celebrate their victory.

Anyhows, after 45 minutes, I saw a tractor roar past, with a live cow in a horse box being pulled behind it. Turns out there was a protest at the Strasbourg parliament against milk producers subsidies. It appears the French appetite for protest is still alive and well, in keeping with the Bastille spirit.

In the end I had to walk to work...

Five continents in a week

This blog has had visitors from five continents in just a week. Not bad!

The incredible exploding swimming costume

There is something about the phrase "Italian female swimmers costume bursts open" that just grabs the attention isn't there? Apparently, 22 year old athlete Flavia Zoccari was about to compete in a swimming event at the Mediterranean Games when her swimming costume split open. For this, she was disqualified. At a time athletes are being caught doping and cheating, it seems mean spirited to disqualify someone because their costume split.

Sympathy with the postal workers

When I was out campaigning at the Euro elections back in the UK, I noticed something. Every house in Britain seems to have a dog. Some dog owners seem to take a real pleasure in placing menacing pictures in the windows of their houses of the pooch in question. When I was leafletting in Manchester, one front gate had a picture of an attack dog on it, and the following message : "I can reach the gate in 3 seconds - how fast can YOU run?". Clearly someone who doesn't like either visitors or receiving post. Having belted it down more than a few front gardens during the campaign, with a pooch in hot pursuit, I began to feel sympathy for our postal workers.

Now it looks like parliament has decided its time to offer postal workers protection. The Dangerous Dogs Act doesn't cover attacks on private property, and they are looking to extend it. I must admit, the posties do have my sympathy on this one.

Movement for Voluntary Human Extinction?!

In politics, you often come across some crazy ideas. I remember a guy being arrested in Manchester a few years ago as he campaigned for the "Campaign for Non-Sexual Public Nudity". Essentially, it said you should be able to walk around nude. You can probably guesss what the campaigner got arrested for (he then got charged for contempt of court when he showed up at court, you guessed it, naked).

I think I may have found an organisation which tops them. The Movement for Voluntary Human Extinction says that we should not have kids, and wait for everyone on earth to die off. That is the only way to save the planet. I kept wondering if this was a sick wind up. I searched the website, and kept waiting for the momement the punch line was delivered. Kind of like the moment where Jeremy Beadle used to appear on "Beadle's About", and give the game away that this was all some horrible wind up. Alas, it looks like the VHEM is real.

I think finding a group which tops this for wild ideas may take some doing.

Sex, Tennis and Belgians

Sport is big in Belgium. Alas, the Belgian football team hasn't really done much lately, but when the manager has to give team talks in two languages, its not surprising really. The Belgian womens' relay team won silver medal in the Beijing Olympics, which made headlines for weeks (and you thought the British press got excited about silver and bronze medals). But one sport seems to really excite the Belgians, and that is tennis.

My Belgian ex-girlfriend was no exception, being tennis mad. In fact tennis being the only thing she seemed to get excited about when she was with me (suppose that might explain why she is now my ex). But I digress. She reliably informed me that hundreds of people would gather before big screens to watch Belgian players at Wimbledon. One year, two Belgians faced each other in a later round (Kin Clijsters and Justine Henin), and given one is from Flanders and the other from Walloonia, that one had "grudge match" all over it.

On the topic of tennis, that bastion of liberal journalism, the Daily Mail, had a piece on women's tennis. Purely for research purposes, I clicked on a link of a female tennis player. It has been alleged that the All England Club is putting attractive female tennis players on Centre Court, as it improves ratings to have attractive women on TV. So, male dominated businesses using sex to sell. How original.

I wonder whats the French for "Do bears s**t in the woods?"

Bit about Belgium

One thing that struck me about Belgium when I first got here was the seemingly endless levels of government. The following video is a good summary of how it all works:



One for all the politics buffs! Now you should pass that test on Belgian constitutional law with no worries.

Is the King of pop dead?

Oh Dear. The news is reporting that Michael Jackson "may" have died. I always thought being dead was kind of an open and shut thing. However, it appears there is some scope for doubt here. Maybe I need to bone up on my medical dictionary.

UPDATE

BBC news is reporting that yes, he is dead.

If you had to have 56 tattoos, where would you have them?

Well, the press here in Belgium has been very interested in the story of Kimberley Vlaeminck. Kimberley, 18, went to the tattoo artist in her hometown of Kortrijk, near the French border. She originally claimed that she had asked the tattoo artist for three star tattoos on her face. She claimed that she "fell asleep" as he did them, and awoke to find him finishing off the 56th tattoo. Woopsee. She initially told the press this mix up was due to a language barrier, as she speaks Dutch, whilst her tattoo artist is a Romanian who only speaks English and French. She has finally come clean and admitted she asked for 56 all along, and made up the story about falling asleep when her parents saw her face and, to use the original Dutch, "Hit the f***ing roof".

So, when a confused young girl seriously scars her face for life, what else is there to do for the Belgian press than make fun of her? The Belgian newspaper "Het Laatse Nieuws" has produced a gallery of less than sympathetic photoshopped images for the amusement of the masses. You can see them at the following link, and can cycle through the photos by clicking the word "volgende" in the top right of the gallery.

What is the Dutch word for "sympathy"?

Hi and welcome

Hi everyone,

This is my blog. I hope you enjoy it. I will try my best to keep this blog interesting, with everything from my views on life, to photographs of places I have been in Belgium. Do feel free to comment, and add links to this blog from your own sites and blogs.

Regards


Michael